Same Vessel 12 Years Later, The Art of Anger & Brokenness

Kintsugi - "golden joinery" is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with urushi lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Yesterday, and when I woke up this morning at 3:52 am, I was overwhelmed with frustration & anger.

What should I do with these emotions?

Yesterday evening, I spoke to my dad on the phone, as I know he has felt before the way that I do now. He said, You are definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's true, and yet what do I do with this?

Waiting is so hard when you don't know what the next week or month might bring. I have felt this before.

As I wrote that last sentence, I looked back in my journal and found this entry from 12 years ago - this is from the period that I had a terrible health issue that made me mostly bed bound for many months.

7/30/2013

I can hardly believe it's almost august. What a crazy nine months it's been. I'm overwhelmed by thinking about where I've been and where I have yet to go. On one hand, I feel that I've learned a lot over these past few months. I'd like to say that I'm a better person because of it. Yet on the other hand, I feel like I have so much to learn and that I have proven myself to be pretty weak and sad.

Then I found another journal entry from 8/2/2013:

i'm so tired and overwhelmed in my heart and soul.

i know that staying down is what i need to do. i need to accept it fully to gain the most out of it. that is not an easy feat.

I'm overwhelmed by the world and by the unpredictability of life.

perhaps that is the biggest problem with where i am at. i don't know where i am going and for what reason.

the thing is that these things probably don't matter at all. so what is left. I need to focus on learning something from these next few months (hopefully few months and not more).

i ask for guidance and clarity.

this life is so complex and sad i know somehow i can make it better in a way that is not cliche. i'm tired of sugar coated bullshit. i want things to be simple, elegant and sophisticated… but no bullshit. maybe i just need to listen to my heart and move to colorado for a while - live out of my van, play my guitar and take it easy.

when i get better i don't think i can go back to academics. i feel like all the time spent writing, if one actually cares, is better spent working and helping people get through the similar experiences that i’ve survived or am living.

8/4/2013

I've been stuck in the worst situation of my existence and i feel alone, isolated, confused, overwhelmed, underwhelmed, pissed off, angry.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward, some are strong in the broken places."

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms